My Life at the Moment
I don’t think many people truly understand what’s going on in my life. Raising 4 kids is SO hard! With Aaron working long hours, it just makes things that much harder on me. I can’t blame him (even though I do at times because I can be a very selfish human being). He works so hard to provide for our family and when I can take a deep breath and reflect, I’m so very grateful for his hard work and dedication. I know I don’t show that nearly enough. Because I’m drowning here at home! I’m so depleted. I feel so alone, even though I’m very blessed to have a handful of great friends. They’re busy living their lives too.
You know what’s funny? Well, not really. I had a friend once (when I only had one child) who had 5 kids. She would always use her kids as an excuse for not being able to go places and do things with me. I completely didn’t understand. My thoughts were, “Well, she knew what she was getting into when she had all those kids.” OH my how bad I feel now for the thoughts I had towards her. I actually ended our friendship because I got tired of her “excuses”. Now here I am with my 4 children and I feel terrible. Now I (sort of) know what she was going through.
I always dreamed of having 4 children and honestly, I thought it would be a glorious walk in the park. Even after my first 2 kids, I was still thinking, “This is great. We should have more.” So, along came my sugar booger. He’s the sweetest child ever, but he can also be SO rotten. Ever heard the term threenager? That’s him! Let’s step back for a second. When he was just over a year old, we thought it would be great to have another baby so we could have 2 kids close in age. I also really, really wanted a girl. Less than a month of thinking we should have another baby, Aaron and I agreed that maybe it would be best to wait a year or so until our finances were better and we were more prepared for a 4th child. Well, God had other plans because I was already pregnant!
When our little Sweet Pea arrived in June of 2015, this put him and my Sugar Booger exactly 2 years and 3 weeks apart. And man, did life change!!! I thought things were hard before this and that it wouldn’t be that different just adding one more child. Again, I was so wrong! I can’t remember a time in my life where daily living seemed like such a struggle. A year and a half later and we still can’t sleep through the nights consistently. I’m constantly cleaning up messes that the baby throws all over the floor after ripping things to shreds. If something isn’t bolted down, the baby will find a way to move it or climb on it. Or, if it’s something to get into, he will get into it and take everything out and throw it all over the place. He then jumps off of things, like the chairs, slides, and the couch. Keep in mind, he can’t stick a landing yet. I pray almost daily that this child won’t need an ER trip for a broken bone. His newest feat is climbing all the way onto the table. I sure hope he doesn’t try to jump from there when I turn my head for 2 seconds, because that’s how fast he is. I want to spend time with my friends, but I’m realizing more and more that it just can’t happen with the baby around (unless we are in my mostly baby proofed home). I try hanging out with others while I have him and every single time I want to walk away in tears. He’s all over the place. I can’t put him down outside because he’ll run so fast, I’m afraid he’ll fall and hurt himself on the concrete. I can’t put him down inside someone else’s house because he gets into EVERYTHING! I’m constantly chasing him around while trying to keep up with everything else. I’m trying to keep up with homeschooling, house cleaning, and all of our financial stuff. I have to prepare meals, grocery shop, extracurricular activities for the kids, and somehow try to find time for myself, my husband, friends, family, and God (not in that order). Oh, and I’ve completely gone off of the deep end and added a puppy to the mix. I love him, but, “What was I thinking?” Again, I was only thinking of loving my son who has been begging for a husky for over a year.
My life feels like a wreck right now. I feel like I’m losing friends. Because, just like I once judged a friend of mine, I feel like my friends are now judging me. They don’t understand. And I don’t think you can understand unless you’ve walked in my shoes. My marriage is suffering. There’s no time for us. When we do have time, we’re both completely exhausted. It seems so unfair. I wish someone would rush in and save me. Someone to just help me get this all figured out. Someone to give me a real break, where I can leave the house and not worry about the kids or what time the sitter may need me back. That would be so wonderful! I love my kids with everything in me. Perhaps that’s my problem. My life really does revolve around them. But at this moment in time, I don’t know how to change that. And honestly, even though things are completely bonkers around here, I don’t know if I want to change that. Our oldest just turned 17. Time is like grains of sand being tossed in the wind. Before you know it, it’s over.
I want to cherish this time with my kids more, but I’m so stressed out on a daily basis. What I want everyone to understand is that I need you! More now than any other time in my life. My family doesn’t live near me. I need encouragement, prayers, and company. I need YOU to pick up the phone and call and text me (because my brain is constantly occupied here and I honestly forget). Maybe even ask for some one on one time together. I can make that happen…if anyone showed that they care enough about me to want that time with me. Don’t get me wrong, I do have a friend or two who gets it! If you’re that friend, thank you SO much! Everyone else, please just bare with me. Don’t give up on me! I know I’m a great friend if given the chance. And I know in time, I will be an even better friend, mom, and wife. Because I expect this journey to get a little easier as my babies continue to grow up. Thank you to those who are on this journey with me for the long haul! I know you’ll never completely understand unless you’re in my shoes, but hopefully my little cry of desperation here will just let you know how hard things have been for me lately. And if I seem distant, it’s not because I want to be, not at all.