In the Mess of Things
I had a really rough morning last Sunday. It’s the day that I realized that it’s STILL my season to focus more on my children. I don’t know why this came as such a shock to me since my youngest is only 3. You see, I had been feeling like a part of me was missing, like I’d lost myself in motherhood. And every time I worship at church, I want to be back up on that stage so badly. So, I took it upon myself to audition to be a part of the praise and worship team. I was so excited when I made it and they quickly made me feel like that is where I belonged. What a great feeling it was…until this past Sunday when I knew that I just wasn’t prepared enough to sing in front of the congregation. Sure, I could’ve winged the parts that I wasn’t fully confident on, but I knew in my heart that when you lead God’s people, He requires your best.
Our worship leader was so gracious and supportive when I messaged her the night before to tell her how I was feeling, but I still felt that I let everyone down. That morning, I tried to just let go of the fact that it just wasn’t my time, but it was painful to watch them up there worshiping without me. I had so many different emotions going on and I couldn’t stop crying. I went out to the lobby because I felt like I was just putting off a horrible vibe, and that’s not what I wanted for everyone else.
Thoughts continued to invade my mind, like, “Why couldn’t this work for me? Other moms seem to balance it all just fine.” Confusion found a happy corner in my brain as more tears streamed down my face. I went to the bathroom for some tissues, and that’s where I had a divine meeting with an older, wiser friend of mine. She loved on me and talked to me, and solidified the fact that right now, my boys are more important. They need their mother to continue raising them well so that they will turn into Godly men one day.
I felt emotional relief after that, but by this point, I had given myself a headache.
I spent much of Sunday reflecting on the situation, and here are 3 things that I learned:
- Just like the Bible says, there’s a season for everything. And this is NOT my season to “find myself”. My friend assured me that it won’t always be like this and opportunities will arise again when the time is right.Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, “To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven.”
- I learned a basic fact that I guess I had forgotten, which would’ve saved me from going through all of this. I didn’t take this to God in prayer. I didn’t ask Him what He wanted me to do. Instead, I just figured that it was His will because He gifted me with a great voice and a heart for worship.Someone pointed out that they also need good worshipers in the congregation. And now I’m okay with that. I can minister to those that the worship team can’t from the stage.
- When you think you have it all figured out, you really don’t.When I sat down Sunday evening, I had this visual in my mind. I wrote down GOD and went over it several times in black ink, but then I had planned to bury His name with all the other things that I deal with in life. Because I felt like I had so much going on in my life that God was put on the back burner. I was going to prove that I had lost my focus on Him because all those words would cover up His name.
But here’s what happened:
No matter how much stuff I piled on, like homeschool, church, marriage, bills, etc., GOD still remained in focus.
And then He spoke to me and said that no matter how much I’m dealing with in life, He’s near to me. It is physically impossible to push Him away from me. It’s ME who felt like I had lost Him, but He is always right here with me. He’s even closer than the bills, relationships, taking care of the house. If you look at my drawing, it looks like the word GOD was written last, but I wrote that first, and He proved His point!
Be blessed my friends!